it was a pretty good bad idea (let's see this through)
by LMoriarty
Summary: Laura Hollis is a lesbian. She's gay. She's into women. Joining The Bachelor? Never going to happen. LaFontaine signs her up anyways.


Laura Hollis is a lesbian. She's gay. She's into women. Joining The Bachelor? Never going to happen.

LaFontaine signs her up anyways.

 _You'll be surrounded by women_ , they had said, shoving some of Laura's clothes into a suitcase when it became apparent that Laura herself wouldn't, _It's like a lesbian paradise. You'll thank me later_.

Laura doesn't believe her.

The Bachelor is a show all about girls fighting each other to get closer to a typically misogynistic and all around obnoxious man, and no matter how attractive the other women might end up being, Laura isn't interested.

She goes to the interview anyways.

* * *

 _Tell the camera why you're here_ , the interviewer — Theo Straka — says, and he smiles the same douchey smile that she's seen on every single frat boy she's ever had the displeasure of meeting.

 _Well_ , Laura says, and her grin is just as fake as the tone she's using, _my friend, LaF, they signed me up, and, um, why are you looking at me like that?_

 _Well, don't you mean she?_

Laura stares at him for a moment, quiet and uncertain. She knows that there are people like this in the world — LaF complains about them constantly, and it's not like she's never gone on Tumblr before — but she's never actually met one, has never witnessed someone attempt to correct LaF's pronouns. It hurts to hear, the same way it hurts to hear straight people use gay as an insult, and part of her wants to just start screaming.

Laura wonders how LaF deals with it.

 _Um, well, not exactly, you see, LaF isn't, I mean, um_ , she stammers, and then stops. Laura knows what LaFontaine would say — something like _when I say they, I mean they_ , or just a swift but otherwise effective _don't be an asshole_ — but dealing with people like Theo has never been a strong suit of Laura's. Her dad's overprotective nature made sure of that, and she was thankful, really, but it made this so much harder. She takes a second to collect herself, and goes to say something like _LaF's nonbinary, actually, and uses they/them pronouns, so please respect that_ but then Theo opens his mouth and she has to wait.

 _It'll be easier to just say she,_ Theo tells her, and Laura wonders if this is what hatred feels like. _Let's start again, and you can say that instead. LaF's a weird name, too; you should use something like Danielle or—_

She stands up and walks out of the interview.

As amusing as pretending to be straight would have been, Laura will never, ever, _ever_ purposely misgender her friends, and for Theo to tell her to— well, she wants nothing to do with the show if that's the sort of people they hire.

Laura doesn't look back.

The next day, she gets a call.

* * *

What they tell her: we think you'd be a great fit for the show.

What they tell her: we'd really like it if you were to come back.

What they tell her: we fired the guy who interviewed you.

What they tell her: we don't want to be associated with people like that.

* * *

What they mean: you better not tell anyone about this.

* * *

Laura joins the show.

* * *

The first time Wilson Kirsch calls her little nerd, she almost punches him in the face.

The second time Kirsch calls her little nerd, she _does_ punch him in the face.

He laughs it off, of course he does, he's a guy, but Kirsch immediately stops calling her that. It's rather telling, even if he does turn around and refer to Danny as D-Bear.

She smiles, and she punches him, too.

(Laura thinks she might be in love.)

* * *

Laura likes Kirsch.

He's a little dim, but he's also very kind; not the sort of attributes that are normally on the show. Well. The kind bit, anyway.

There are some things that she doesn't particularly like about him — the fact that he's basically the stereotypical frat boy, for one, and the way he refers to everyone as his bro, for another — but Laura never hears anything about him trying to pressure any of the girls into anything. She has to respect that, even if he makes it very clear that he'll make out with every single one of them. At any point. Ever.

Most of the women take advantage of that.

* * *

Rose doesn't get a rose.

It would have been funny, if she hadn't spent the day before making out with Kirsch.

* * *

The next day is spent at the pool.

Most of the girls spend the first thirty minutes gushing over Kirsch's abs. Laura is a lesbian. Carmilla is not, but she doesn't seem all that impressed, either.

 _Simone Biles' abs are far more deserving of praise_ , she says, when she catches Laura staring at her.

It's the nicest thing that Laura's ever heard her say.

* * *

Laura wants to kiss her.

* * *

She spends most of her time with Danny, after that. Laura can't complain — the girl is stunning, legs as long as days — but Danny hangs out with Perry and Sarah Jane and Natalie and Mel, and Laura— it's not that she doesn't like them, because she does, but...

Laura really wants to spend time with Carmilla.

Who doesn't hang out with anybody.

* * *

Laura confronts her.

It's probably the worst decision she could have made.

* * *

 _Why are you even here?_ she asks, because that's a great way to get people to open up. _You don't even seem to care about Kirsch_.

 _Neither do you, creampuff_.

 _Yeah, well, that's because I'm a lesbian_ , Laura tells her, _What's your excuse?_

* * *

One of the cameramen, a pretty girl that once introduced themselves as Madeleine, starts to laugh.

* * *

When Laura gets called in to talk with the producer, Lilita Morgan, she knows why.

She wishes she doesn't.

* * *

What they tell her: we know that you were just kidding.

What they tell her: that's not something you should joke around about.

What they tell her: actual queer individuals would take offense to hearing you say things like that.

What they tell her: don't do it again.

* * *

What they mean: you're not going to make it past the next rose ceremony.

* * *

Laura makes it past the next rose ceremony.

* * *

Sarah Jane approaches Kirsch an hour before the ceremony and tells him to send her home, claiming she misses her bed. Thirty minutes later, Lilita's assistant, the one all the cameramen are terrified of, orders him not to give Laura a rose.

It's gets down to Sarah Jane and Laura, in the end. There's only one rose left.

Laura thinks she's going home. Sarah Jane knows she is.

When Kirsch gives the rose to Laura, he says, _I've never been one to say no to a pretty girl_. He's not talking to her. He's talking to Sarah Jane. If it had been the finale night instead, if Kirsch was about to pick who won, who had stolen his heart— he would have picked Sarah Jane.

Laura knows this. She knows that Kirsch cares for Sarah Jane, that Sarah Jane cares for Kirsch, and there's very few things that explain her asking to be sent home. The most probable?

She knew what would have happened if she didn't.

* * *

Laura stops talking to Carmilla.

It's not hard, they don't talk as it is, but the difference is that Laura stops trying. When she sees Carmilla, she doesn't stop and say hi, doesn't ask her how she's doing, doesn't congratulate her for getting a rose. She pretends she doesn't even exist.

And so this time, Carmilla is the one who confronts her.

 _What the fuck is your problem?_ she asks, and Laura wants to punch her.

There's no way she can _actually_ be that oblivious. Everyone knows how Kirsch feels about Sarah Jane, which means everyone knows that something _big_ must have went down for him to pick Laura over her. Carmilla is no exception. She _must_ know. She must. But Laura doesn't really feel like saying any of this, so she looks away, and she says, _I don't know what you're talking about_.

 _You've been avoiding me_ , Carmilla says, _I want to know why. Talk._

 _No_ , replies Laura, because she's not one to take orders, even from pretty girls, even from the prettiest girl on the planet, _but you can. Tell me why you're here, Carmilla. You clearly don't care about Kirsch._

 _Yeah, well, you're not the only lesbian here, cupcake._

Oh.

This changes things.

* * *

Madeleine the cameraman thinks that, if they're going to die, hysteria is the way to go. _This season is going to be fucking gold_ , they say, and they go back to laughing.

Somehow, they're going to make sure these scenes get leaked.

* * *

 _If you're gay_ , and Laura is hesitant, unsure of what to say, of how to say it, _then why are you... I mean, my friend LaF signed me up because they figured being surrounded by girls would be fun, but—_

 _I dated this girl, Ell, who I met at a Tragically Hip concert_ , Carmilla confesses, and despite sounding dismissive, Laura can tell that she's anything but, _and my mother found out. She was... unhappy, as you can imagine, so she decided she would make me do this._

 _How could she have the power_ —

 _Don't be obtuse, sweetheart_ , Carmilla warns, and everything clicks.

 _Lilita Morgan is your mother_.

She winks. _Bingo_.

* * *

They pretend like nothing happened, for a while.

It's easier than talking about how neither of them are straight, how neither of them are ever going to end up with Kirsch, how neither of them deserve to be there more than Sarah Jane does.

It's also easier than talking about the fact that Carmilla's mother is batshit insane.

And so the days pass by rather uneventfully, Laura and Carmilla stealing glances at each other whenever they get the chance. There's another rose ceremony, and a girl that Laura never even realized was there went home.

The look on Kirsch's face when he gives away the final rose tells Laura everything she needs to know: he's miserable.

So Laura does something about it.

* * *

What they tell him: we're gay.

What they tell him: like, really gay.

What they tell him: we shouldn't be here.

What they tell him: feel free to send us home at the next ceremony.

* * *

What they mean: we're so sorry.

* * *

Kirsch forgives them.

* * *

 _I'm only on this show because my bro, Theo, works here_ , he tells them, eventually, _I didn't expect to— I mean, Sarah Jane— that wasn't planned._

Laura pauses. Theo. Theo, as in Theo Straka, as in the biggest asshole she's ever met? _What's his last name?_

 _...Straka?_

 _He doesn't work here anymore_ , Laura says, and thinks back to the phone call. She never should have accepted their offer. _They fired him after I uh, walked out of my interview when he was being a transphobic douchebag._

Kirsch pauses. _Oh_.

 _Do you think, um, well, I mean, maybe—_ Laura stops, and sighs. She really needs to get over this whole stammering thing. _What if we all quit?_

Carmilla stares. _Cupcake, you may want to rethink that. Demon producer is my mother, remember?_

Laura stares back. Isn't leaving the obvious solution? Kirsch wants to be with Sarah Jane, Carmilla and her are lesbians— what reason would there be for staying? Surely her mother would get over it. Except... oh. What had Carmilla said? Her mother had been _unhappy_ when she found out that Carmilla had a girlfriend.

What's worse: a mother's rage, or a pretty girl's disappointment?

She thinks back to the pool, to the time that Carmilla had complimented Simone Biles' abs. Laura had wanted to kiss her.

Laura _still_ wants to kiss her.

So she does.

Kirsch is still there, watching, but Laura forgets the second their lips touch. Carmilla is more willing than she expects her to be, and she tugs Laura closer, closer, closer, like she can't get enough of her. Laura can't object, partly because she's too busy kissing Carmilla and partly because it's the best kiss of her life and there's no reason _to_ object.

Carmilla pulls away, eventually, and she smiles, and says, _Okay_.

 _Okay?_ questions Laura. She can't even remember what they were talking about.

 _Let's quit._

* * *

This one is, by far, the most entertaining.

And yeah, this shit's getting leaked.


End file.
